Sorry, I published it without posting anything. I was testing if the blogger was down. Anyway, I was thinking of creating an About Me page but I don't know how to start it, yet. And then, a friend named Red, leave a comment in one of my blog posts. She informed me about the tagged! I did not create a tagged post immediately! I was thinking what to write coz' there are facts about me that are too personal. Still, I write about and here you go:
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Too Personal: Is This Pride?
June 29, 2010
You be the judge because I haven’t thought of this word that describes me.
A woman told me today that I have a high pride. Oh, is it? I’ve forgotten about the past pains, hurt and all the bad goodies in the world in which I pushed in one bag and throw it out of my life. It’s all about forgetting and starting a new life ahead.
Until a call came, it was a call from a woman... Old wounds revived and tried to wiggle its way up again.
I was outcast from my brother’s house. Both my father and brother are angry with me. I don’t know where my brother’s anger came from against me. He was very angry that he wants to throw a punch on me but pull it. Also, my father was angry against me because of the other woman. I defend my mother who is bedridden against my father. I defend that illiterate teen that doesn’t finish elementary education against my father. I understand her illiteracy and teach her in a way that she understands. But father was perfectionist! I tried to explain and reach my brother’s understanding. But some of the words I uttered were reiterated against me. I keep my mouth shut because I know; I can do nothing to change it. It is my youngest brother’s word against mine.
If he hears those hearsays, let that person come forward and let’s talk, like a tête-à -tête. We are civilized and educated; we’re not a child anymore. But, no foot came forward. It was like everyone was angry and I am a black dog. It chocked me. I decided to go back to Manila even if it was a gamble. I doubt if I can work again.
To make it short, I didn’t find a job while staying in one of the boarding house in Pasay. I feel desperate and very depressed until I decided to move out of that place. It was an accessible place in looking for work. But it is also making a big hole in my pocket; drained my savings.
Moving out was the biggest decision I made. Acceptance is a value that I learned; I can not have a company job anymore. Aside from my age (out of the calendar), my English is not perfect for an international call center company. Sometimes, I stammered and I have difficulty pronouncing the TH and F sounds.
The pain is gone but the scars are left. The painful situations had taught me a lesson. My mind is at peace. I had forgotten all about it until that call. A woman’s call telling me what had happened with my brother’s life and father’s vices. I told her, I can’t do anything about it. My brother has money; he has the power against me who has nothing. All I can do is pray and offer it to Him. She ended the call by asking me to warn my father against those vices. She added something that distressed me, again. Sorry, I can not tell you what it was. If it's true, he's the son and I believe in Karma. Whatever father had done, he was still the father and old now. If it is not, God I know you hear it! Sadly, I can not do anything about it.
Am I too proud? Is it pride?
A woman told me today that I have a high pride. Oh, is it? I’ve forgotten about the past pains, hurt and all the bad goodies in the world in which I pushed in one bag and throw it out of my life. It’s all about forgetting and starting a new life ahead.
Until a call came, it was a call from a woman... Old wounds revived and tried to wiggle its way up again.
I was outcast from my brother’s house. Both my father and brother are angry with me. I don’t know where my brother’s anger came from against me. He was very angry that he wants to throw a punch on me but pull it. Also, my father was angry against me because of the other woman. I defend my mother who is bedridden against my father. I defend that illiterate teen that doesn’t finish elementary education against my father. I understand her illiteracy and teach her in a way that she understands. But father was perfectionist! I tried to explain and reach my brother’s understanding. But some of the words I uttered were reiterated against me. I keep my mouth shut because I know; I can do nothing to change it. It is my youngest brother’s word against mine.
If he hears those hearsays, let that person come forward and let’s talk, like a tête-à -tête. We are civilized and educated; we’re not a child anymore. But, no foot came forward. It was like everyone was angry and I am a black dog. It chocked me. I decided to go back to Manila even if it was a gamble. I doubt if I can work again.
To make it short, I didn’t find a job while staying in one of the boarding house in Pasay. I feel desperate and very depressed until I decided to move out of that place. It was an accessible place in looking for work. But it is also making a big hole in my pocket; drained my savings.
Moving out was the biggest decision I made. Acceptance is a value that I learned; I can not have a company job anymore. Aside from my age (out of the calendar), my English is not perfect for an international call center company. Sometimes, I stammered and I have difficulty pronouncing the TH and F sounds.
The pain is gone but the scars are left. The painful situations had taught me a lesson. My mind is at peace. I had forgotten all about it until that call. A woman’s call telling me what had happened with my brother’s life and father’s vices. I told her, I can’t do anything about it. My brother has money; he has the power against me who has nothing. All I can do is pray and offer it to Him. She ended the call by asking me to warn my father against those vices. She added something that distressed me, again. Sorry, I can not tell you what it was. If it's true, he's the son and I believe in Karma. Whatever father had done, he was still the father and old now. If it is not, God I know you hear it! Sadly, I can not do anything about it.
Am I too proud? Is it pride?
Father's Day
June 20, 2010
As I made my walked around the Blogosphere, I always read about Father’s day.
I would like to share this to you because I know it is not only me who has encountered this kind of life’s happenings.
Father had done mistakes with our family. It involves another woman – another mistress! Eventually, our feelings towards him have changed especially me. I will come near his path and would turn away from him. Feeling is gone of a daughter towards his father.
Of course, mother had done everything to win him back; to make him stay back in the house. We do not know the real reason. Is it my mother’s love towards our father? Or is it because of us his grown-up children.
But then, it was changed! He had a heart attack and high blood pressure! We are only two siblings! I am the only one living here in the Philippines while the other is out of the country. It happened for a reason, I think. I came back as his daughter and watched him in the hospital.
God has its own way! Whatever had happened, we can not change it! The blood that's within us! Bygones be bygones!
He will always be our DADDY, my PAPA!
Saturday: A Very Tiring Day
June 12, 2010
I was real, really tired! Ten o’clock was an early hour for me to log on the computer and do the marathon! It was like a marathon because I opened seven (8) windows and each window has five (5) tabs. Partly, I haven’t organized and list the what-to-do-first online.
Let me summarize it:
- I open three pic (paid-to-click) sites. This was easy because you can leave a window after another window. Then, go back and check each window for 1 minute or 2 minutes.
- The 4th window is the Readbud.com wherein, you will read articles and rate it.
- 5th Window was mybloglog.com website. In this site, for every message who gave me a favor, I visit their blog and kissed their ads. After the kiss, I will send them a message – favor done!
- 6th window is my blog dashboard. I tried changing my blog template in one of my sites to the new designs of blogspot. As a result, my widgets went somersault. Good thing, I download the old template and returned to its old state!
- The 7th window is my Facebook, but I kept on refreshing it for available gifts and new messages.
- 8th window is the adgitize.com – I told myself that I will give my best to have a 100 points. And so I did.
I stopped for meals and then went back to a computer! I’ve ended at 8 pm! I feel very tired and exhausted! I left the computer and took a nap in the bed for how many minutes, I don’t know! I took a bath because I taste salt, already! Then, I went back to the computer and log on to Blog Catalog when my boyfriend asked me for dinner time. Well, that’s refreshing because I made two posts! Yeheyyy!
A Mother’s Cry and Her Bad Girl
You may wonder and asked why I kept on posting about mothers. It wasn't easy for me to forget everything that happened. Its one year and 3 months when mother was laid to her grave.
She knows she was going to die but she cannot accept those facts. She cried out and worried that we won’t be together as a family again once, she will leave us. How she painstakingly gave her heart and soul for her family.
Why would I not cry emotionally after she told me, “Lisa, I don’t want to die”! My heart was squeezed by mixed emotions! I want to help her but there is nothing I can do to alleviate her pain and desire to live! As the days go by, I feel like a robot, trying not to feel the emotions. Until…
I carry a huge guilt on my shoulders! Why? I tell you!
I am always out of the house and returned at 10 0’clock in the evening. What am I doing? I went to the City’s Public Market and Groceries Store. I bought food items for the house and mother’s medical needs. Then, I dropped by in an Internet Café with all the shopping goodies and all. Dropping by in an Internet Café eats most of the time. I played an online game there and download songs (unknown to the watcher). I was fascinated with the game that I forgot all my responsibilities, my emotions and most of all the time!
Now, this happened when mother was bed-ridden. I left her with my crippled father and an innocent and young housemaid. Crippled because my father had a stroked from previous years. He can walk but he can’t move his right hand. He’s fast and crazy of sending messages to girl friends. The housemaid was innocent and very young. She’s 14 years old.
I perhaps trusted enough because she can cook. Until such time, a neighbor who came to visit our house told me that my mother is limp. She looks white! And that made me rush her to the hospital. I know I am irresponsible!
When my mother died, my neighbor told me that mother cried because she does not want to die! She does not want to die because she wants to take care of us her children. How many times did I mention these words in my previous? I am sorry if I go on like an old and broken phonograph record. My emotions and feelings of guilt are overwhelming when it comes to my mother.
My mother is fond of keeping old wallets and other staff. I saw inside the wallet/s are pictures of me and my youngest brother. It was too late to know and understand her way of professing her love for us as we grow older.
Photo credits:
Share Faith Media For a Modern Church
She knows she was going to die but she cannot accept those facts. She cried out and worried that we won’t be together as a family again once, she will leave us. How she painstakingly gave her heart and soul for her family.
Why would I not cry emotionally after she told me, “Lisa, I don’t want to die”! My heart was squeezed by mixed emotions! I want to help her but there is nothing I can do to alleviate her pain and desire to live! As the days go by, I feel like a robot, trying not to feel the emotions. Until…
I carry a huge guilt on my shoulders! Why? I tell you!
I am always out of the house and returned at 10 0’clock in the evening. What am I doing? I went to the City’s Public Market and Groceries Store. I bought food items for the house and mother’s medical needs. Then, I dropped by in an Internet Café with all the shopping goodies and all. Dropping by in an Internet Café eats most of the time. I played an online game there and download songs (unknown to the watcher). I was fascinated with the game that I forgot all my responsibilities, my emotions and most of all the time!
Now, this happened when mother was bed-ridden. I left her with my crippled father and an innocent and young housemaid. Crippled because my father had a stroked from previous years. He can walk but he can’t move his right hand. He’s fast and crazy of sending messages to girl friends. The housemaid was innocent and very young. She’s 14 years old.
I perhaps trusted enough because she can cook. Until such time, a neighbor who came to visit our house told me that my mother is limp. She looks white! And that made me rush her to the hospital. I know I am irresponsible!When my mother died, my neighbor told me that mother cried because she does not want to die! She does not want to die because she wants to take care of us her children. How many times did I mention these words in my previous? I am sorry if I go on like an old and broken phonograph record. My emotions and feelings of guilt are overwhelming when it comes to my mother.
My mother is fond of keeping old wallets and other staff. I saw inside the wallet/s are pictures of me and my youngest brother. It was too late to know and understand her way of professing her love for us as we grow older.
Photo credits:
Share Faith Media For a Modern Church
I Am Sick
June 9, 2010
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Credits: Chumpy's Clip Art
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Wednesday morning, I feel so lazy, my head aches. My sneezing was turned to a runny nose. No! My nose did not run and jump out of my face. It was turned to cold and sort of watery. I took my medicine, drink a lot of water and lemon juice. My voice has changed - croaky. Someone told me did you have a cold! Yes, I have, want some? She ends laughing.
As a savvy computer addict, I tried to log on the computer because there are a lot of things to do. But, I feel the world is spinning. So, I went back to sleep and rest! I woke up at 6pm and was surprised to know that my boyfriend did not eat his lunch. He was waiting for me. Oh my toes are curling!
We took our late lunch! Again, hard-headed me, I tried to sneak on the computer but my eyes seems to drop out of its suckle! I just reply a little message here and drop a little over there! Then log out and went back to sleep.
And now, I was hoping to feel better! And I am! The runny nose stop running. I can breathe clearly but can not stopped my drowsiness in front of the computer. Yes, on the computer~! Cherie, I want to do more hopping and reading! My loving boyfriend came and told me to rest! But I said, No because I haven't finished yet.
In a matter of minutes I did and this is one of them! :)
Little Pink Diaries + Mom's Cervical Cancer
May 16, 2010
The posts in pink diaries are the times with my mother who was battling with cancer. And I used the email of this blog for it. But then, there is another one multiply account filled with business linkage of online sellers with another email in which I did not open anymore. I want to use only one email, so I decided to transfer it (business links in multiply) here and cancel Pink Diaries. But, I can not cancel or delete it easily because it is very special to me. Those are the times when I don't have anyone to talk to emotionally but the keyboard..
I have only two untitled posts with dates:
According to a doctor, the cause of cervical cancer comes from a man who had an active sex life. Let me put it straight: a man who have an intimate moment with different women and use his wife for another play. You feel okay but the bacteria that got inside will grow unnoticed especially if you have no yearly pap smear. But mother had undergone a lot of surgeries. She has a cesarean operation when my youngest brother was born. Her left Fallopian tube, i think, and ovary was taken out. It has a tumor that turns negative. I am thankful with that. The doctor told me, don't worry because she will live for 20 years.
My mother, i think, wasn't prepared for this illness. She can not accept it even if i told her to pray, always. She thinks that she was lured into the magical powers of dark evil - daut-kulam. She even asked and cried why "it" was done to her? What's her fault to suffer this kind of ailment. A doctor thinks, she's in Stage 4 now or terminal.
As a daughter, i cried and prayed. I can not accept this fact. My imagination flies for "IF ONLY". If only, i am rich, i'd let mother stay in the hospital longer until it's time or request for a nurse-caregiver to help us. Mother always think about us, her children and husband. She takes care of us, always. A hard working mom who suffers a lot of pain through marriage and a martyr wife.
While battling cancer, mother always cry out my name, hug me, hold and tugged my hand. Who am i to reject my mother's plea of help. My heart is not made of stone. I couldn't stop crying even f i pretend to be.
Even if she's not a perfect mom. She will always be. She's my ONE and ONLY MOM
And last night, mother is bleeding. I changed her adult diaper twice, soaking with blood.
The doctor told us (brother and I) to prepare anytime. Anytime, she'll be gone. According to her, maybe she's in Stage 4 - Terminal
I hope if it's her time to go and leave us, i am hoping and wishing - she'll be sleeping.
Cancer can kill when you detect it late or you have no financial means especially the medicines.
Mother suffers from cervical cancer stage 3… The doctor told me that she can do nothing about it. She can’t give medicines further etchetera. According to her, only a Gynecology-Oncology doctor can accommodate that area of medicine. I also found out (with a gyne doctor) that after ”RASPA” (another doctor done that) the result is SQUAMOUS CARCINOMA CELL. He suggested for an operation. Operation was done. But the problem was left inside the wall. While, the uterus and ovary was taken out has no problem. Since, the new doctor can't do nothing to it. She told me whatever my mother wants to eat, drink and do.. give her everything. She also warned me that mama will become thinner and sooner or later will shout because of pain and numbness she felt.
Mama is fond of “Albularyo” - a witch doctor especially in rural areas. Psychologically, she thought that what causes her pain is a “da-ut”- done by someone using magical elements. I doubt because i knew everything - medical history. I always believe in these sayings that “Whatever you do to your brethren, it will return back to you” and “You will always reap what you sow!”
In the past months, i saw my mother even in the midst of pain, who can still walk, went to market with me, sits in front of the house and walk around the subdivisions streets. Now, she lies in bed and we kept on massaging her left leg. She said it feels numb and she can not sleep because of it. So, we massage her leg That we lost track of time and house chores. Adjustments has been made. She only stand up to eat, go to the restroom to pee and change her diaper. She doesn’t want us to change her diaper. …. Until such time, she can't do it anymore.
Remembering Mama and Her Battle with Cervical Cancer
April 28, 2010
Yes, mother's day is coming up! I always hear music dedicated to moms from the radios, read in newspapers and even from the internet the best gifts for their mother. It was so overwhelming but at the same time, I feel I distant. My mother is up there in heaven. She's not with us, anymore. How I missed her so, badly. I'm getting teary-eyed and stared at the screen for a moment, trying to suppress my feelings. I know I am not over with the pain of losing her! I guess, time can heal that. I will always remember her, the memories she had left us.
Mama died more than a year ago from cervical cancer. She fought it for more than a year. It makes me feel guilty especially when our neighbor told me that mother was crying. She had told them that, "I don't want to die because I want to take care of my children." My heart swells and I cried. My mother and I had a few battles especially when I grow up as a teenager. Those were the times that my parents were very protective. Yet, I want my freedom.
I remember at the age of 33, I was so annoyed about her arguments about my job. Then, I froze when she told me that, "Why are you angry? Don't you want to be taken care of?" Hey! I'm 33 ma. Let me be me and decide for them.
I had a little time with her because I am in Manila. It's only six months! During my stay, I was able to share my problems for a long time and experiences in Manila. For the first time, my mother listens.
I remember at the age of 33, I was so annoyed about her arguments about my job. Then, I froze when she told me that, "Why are you angry? Don't you want to be taken care of?" Hey! I'm 33 ma. Let me be me and decide for them.
I had a little time with her because I am in Manila. It's only six months! During my stay, I was able to share my problems for a long time and experiences in Manila. For the first time, my mother listens.
Some people said that, "Finally, she was put to rest!". Yes! I saw how she struggled for her last breath, her body was shaking, she turned to her right side even if blood was flowing from between her legs. I was there sitting on the bed beside her, then she puts her hand on my knees as if she needs help and asked for my brother Jun. It was too painful looking at her that way. I wanted to help her but there is nothing I can do than watched her struggle breathlessly. So, I lay down beside her and whispered, asking for forgiveness. I asked her not to worry about us anymore because we will look after ourselves. Then, I sit up again on the bed and reverted my eyes on the television. That is why I did not notice that she's gone. I can't believe it or maybe I don't want to believe that she's gone. I did not shout or cry for my father and house helper to come. I was trying to wake her up. When I saw her feet turned to bluish and white. And when I touched it, it was cold. I saw my father on the door and called him to check if Mama is really dead. And she is... I was still in shock...
In reminiscing Mama...
She's a loving Duday for her closest niece and nephews. I do not know where that word "Duday" came from but to modernize it, they call her "Duds. Mostly her nieces seek her out especially when there is a party and food gathering in each place. Mama loves to cook and has her own taste with food. One thing they'll never forget is the food, they never get hungry when Mama is around. If she's one of the cook, she would call them and stuffed their hands with a plate full of food. Sometimes when life gets tough, if one of her niece called her up about a problem. She is their to defend them no matter what. No matter who had done wrong, you can call on her.
That is the same to us, her children. She is always there for us no matter who had done wrong. And I guess, that is how I become so spoiled. It was Mama who fought for my education in a private school. And luckily, I passed the exam for Grade I and a woman (whom I suspected as a Proctor) had helped me out with Math. Even if she's busy with the house chores, tired and her hands are dirty, she would fetch me from school every afternoon. She let me go alone in the mornings until I asked her to stopped fetching me. I want to be on my own. On second thought, It would help mother because she's tired.
I regret those times when I do not understand her. What she was trying to teach me. She loves me too much but I haven't returned it more than a 100%.
I love you Mama! I miss you so much!
I love you Mama! I miss you so much!
Of Having a Cellphone
April 21, 2010
I am not going to talk about the phone's specifications and reviews because you can find more of it's information around the internet world. How it become so important and dear to me.
I had a 3310 of the same brand but it can not save important messages. So, when it's full you have to delete it. I was thinking to have a cellphone that can saved a lot of messages, take pictures and very handy. Slide and flip cellphones are not my type because it's very fashionable. So, I searched the Nokia website, found it and fall in love with it. The cellphone was coming soon and so I waited.
My Online Blogging Mentor
January 26, 2010
During the down moments last year, I was desperate on seeking help! Honestly, money is the first thing but I shoved it at the back of my mind. How would anyone give a hand on the lending money when I don’t have a job? It creates fear in me. Fortunately, some of my friends lend a hand me money and did not persist on the when-will-you-pay-me terms.
I moved to my boyfriends’ place, though. It was a thrill for the reason I am not going to reveal. He worked in an internet shop. So, internet connection is handy. I can do the internet anytime, I want as long it’s not as busy as a bee with the customers.
First thought, how will I earn money through the internet? I browse the internet for possible home-based jobs and mostly, I read virtual assistants (not this one, I’m in an internet shop), virtual/copywriter (uh-uh, my English is not excellent) and data entry in which I choose. Even how noisy they are in the internet shop, or how busy I am giving my little clients needs, still I can work on the entry.
Then, I thought, maybe I can find something useful in the forum in Cosmo (an online forum for Cosmopolitan (magazine) readers. I logged on and browse different threads; back read sent pm’s to people for inquiry until I saw someone talking about PTC. I contacted and asked her for help on how to earn online. Her name is on the blogger world is Redamythest a.k.a. Red, (has a blog spot in which I follow), a mom, a blogger, an office girl and a business woman at the same time. She's a great blogger and online money-maker.
I am thankful that I found her; who taught me the how-to's of money online. She was very helpful.
Living in a Boarding House with No Job
October 27, 2009
I lived in a boarding house. A boarding house is like a transient house. The only difference is the time. A transient house is an overnight stay. While boarding house is a month or more than a month of stay. From Makati, I transferred to the suburbs of Libertad, Pasay City. It is an ordinary boarding house, far from the luxury that I had in Makati. I had no choice. I have to move and take it if I want to cut my expenses. Below is the monthly rent as a bedspacer.
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