Yes, mother's day is coming up! I always hear music dedicated to moms from the radios, read in newspapers and even from the internet the best gifts for their mother. It was so overwhelming but at the same time, I feel I distant. My mother is up there in heaven. She's not with us, anymore. How I missed her so, badly. I'm getting teary-eyed and stared at the screen for a moment, trying to suppress my feelings. I know I am not over with the pain of losing her! I guess, time can heal that. I will always remember her, the memories she had left us.
Mama died more than a year ago from cervical cancer. She fought it for more than a year. It makes me feel guilty especially when our neighbor told me that mother was crying. She had told them that, "I don't want to die because I want to take care of my children." My heart swells and I cried. My mother and I had a few battles especially when I grow up as a teenager. Those were the times that my parents were very protective. Yet, I want my freedom.
I remember at the age of 33, I was so annoyed about her arguments about my job. Then, I froze when she told me that, "Why are you angry? Don't you want to be taken care of?" Hey! I'm 33 ma. Let me be me and decide for them.
I had a little time with her because I am in Manila. It's only six months! During my stay, I was able to share my problems for a long time and experiences in Manila. For the first time, my mother listens.
I remember at the age of 33, I was so annoyed about her arguments about my job. Then, I froze when she told me that, "Why are you angry? Don't you want to be taken care of?" Hey! I'm 33 ma. Let me be me and decide for them.
I had a little time with her because I am in Manila. It's only six months! During my stay, I was able to share my problems for a long time and experiences in Manila. For the first time, my mother listens.
Some people said that, "Finally, she was put to rest!". Yes! I saw how she struggled for her last breath, her body was shaking, she turned to her right side even if blood was flowing from between her legs. I was there sitting on the bed beside her, then she puts her hand on my knees as if she needs help and asked for my brother Jun. It was too painful looking at her that way. I wanted to help her but there is nothing I can do than watched her struggle breathlessly. So, I lay down beside her and whispered, asking for forgiveness. I asked her not to worry about us anymore because we will look after ourselves. Then, I sit up again on the bed and reverted my eyes on the television. That is why I did not notice that she's gone. I can't believe it or maybe I don't want to believe that she's gone. I did not shout or cry for my father and house helper to come. I was trying to wake her up. When I saw her feet turned to bluish and white. And when I touched it, it was cold. I saw my father on the door and called him to check if Mama is really dead. And she is... I was still in shock...
In reminiscing Mama...
She's a loving Duday for her closest niece and nephews. I do not know where that word "Duday" came from but to modernize it, they call her "Duds. Mostly her nieces seek her out especially when there is a party and food gathering in each place. Mama loves to cook and has her own taste with food. One thing they'll never forget is the food, they never get hungry when Mama is around. If she's one of the cook, she would call them and stuffed their hands with a plate full of food. Sometimes when life gets tough, if one of her niece called her up about a problem. She is their to defend them no matter what. No matter who had done wrong, you can call on her.
That is the same to us, her children. She is always there for us no matter who had done wrong. And I guess, that is how I become so spoiled. It was Mama who fought for my education in a private school. And luckily, I passed the exam for Grade I and a woman (whom I suspected as a Proctor) had helped me out with Math. Even if she's busy with the house chores, tired and her hands are dirty, she would fetch me from school every afternoon. She let me go alone in the mornings until I asked her to stopped fetching me. I want to be on my own. On second thought, It would help mother because she's tired.
I regret those times when I do not understand her. What she was trying to teach me. She loves me too much but I haven't returned it more than a 100%.
I love you Mama! I miss you so much!
I love you Mama! I miss you so much!
I'm very sorry for your lost... I don't know what you're going through right now, but I'm willing to listen.
ReplyDeleteThank you Juli! I appreciate it! :)
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