My Heart and Mind on Father's Day!

Yesterday, I am trying to write a post for Father's day. It's a cheerful greetings, but, after two to three sentences, I hit the delete button. I can not pretend because deep in my heart, I am sad. Just thinking about my father bothers me. I am faraway from him. My father is in Iligan City but I had no chance to visit him, yet. I can not afford the expenses. I don't even have a chance to communicate with my father. He did not see his grandson since birth. My father and I have differences but time has changed it. He is still my father, no matter what. He's getting older. I feel, I missed him, terribly.

Instead of writing, I prayed. It is my only communication towards my own father through God. I believe that through Him, I can convey what's inside my heart and mind. 
Instead of writing, I stand up and whispered to my son's father a happy father's day! He just smiled and squeezed my hand while carrying our son. :x

Eating Problems

During my teenager days, some people would say, "Oh, Lis, you're so big for your age!". I'm in high school, then, but I look like a college student. The comment made me think otherwise. I always look at the mirror and wonder why they said I am big, when I am not. That kind of thinking made me feel sad.
When I grow up and married, that's the time my chromosomes changed. I find myself, getting bigger and bigger. Whenever I have personal problems, I tend to eat a lot. Deep thinking of a certain problem drives me to eat more and more. I can eat 2 flat servers in one sitting. It's not an exaggeration. Even I, am surprised of the amount of food I eat, afterwards. "Where did it go?", I asked myself a nonsense question. "How did it happened? Why did I do that?", I cried sadly. But, my mind shouts, how will I stop it! 

I asked some relatives and they have different advise: One said, "It's in our genes, we have bigger bones. Even, if we try all slimming products available, still we look like this". Another one told me, "To exercise. Exercise may not help you slim to trim but it'll surely help your heart". 

Being fat and big has affected me, emotionally and psychologically. I feel depressed and intimidated by the people around me. I feel out of place and insecure. It's like a big unseen wall was placed in the center to block the view. Sometimes, I smile talking to another person but most of the time, I show a sad face and just nod. 

When I came to Manila, my views and delusions has changed. I saw a lot of bigger and chubby persons who are oozing with confidence. They are chatting happily and well-accepted. I even saw a young couple that made me smile. The guy is thin and his girl is chubby. Actually, it surprised me, I never thought that a guy would accept a girl like that. Both are very happy taking pictures of each other. My lady friend told me that he accepts his girl. A man does not choose body shapes if he falls in love. :)

Still, I'm chubby and I accepted the fact that I can not change it. My outlook has changed, too.  :) I feel intimidated and shy but it's another story. Time can tell when I'll be strong enough to overcome it.