Too Personal: Is This Pride?

You be the judge because I haven’t thought of this word that describes me.

A woman told me today that I have a high pride. Oh, is it? I’ve forgotten about the past pains, hurt and all the bad goodies in the world in which I pushed in one bag and throw it out of my life. It’s all about forgetting and starting a new life ahead.

Until a call came, it was a call from a woman... Old wounds revived and tried to wiggle its way up again.

I was outcast from my brother’s house. Both my father and brother are angry with me. I don’t know where my brother’s anger came from against me. He was very angry that he wants to throw a punch on me but pull it. Also, my father was angry against me because of the other woman. I defend my mother who is bedridden against my father. I defend that illiterate teen that doesn’t finish elementary education against my father. I understand her illiteracy and teach her in a way that she understands. But father was perfectionist! I tried to explain and reach my brother’s understanding. But some of the words I uttered were reiterated against me. I keep my mouth shut because I know; I can do nothing to change it. It is my youngest brother’s word against mine.

If he hears those hearsays, let that person come forward and let’s talk, like a tête-à-tête. We are civilized and educated; we’re not a child anymore. But, no foot came forward. It was like everyone was angry and I am a black dog. It chocked me. I decided to go back to Manila even if it was a gamble. I doubt if I can work again.

To make it short, I didn’t find a job while staying in one of the boarding house in Pasay. I feel desperate and very depressed until I decided to move out of that place. It was an accessible place in looking for work. But it is also making a big hole in my pocket; drained my savings.

Moving out was the biggest decision I made. Acceptance is a value that I learned; I can not have a company job anymore. Aside from my age (out of the calendar), my English is not perfect for an international call center company. Sometimes, I stammered and I have difficulty pronouncing the TH and F sounds.

The pain is gone but the scars are left. The painful situations had taught me a lesson. My mind is at peace. I had forgotten all about it until that call. A woman’s call telling me what had happened with my brother’s life and father’s vices. I told her, I can’t do anything about it. My brother has money; he has the power against me who has nothing. All I can do is pray and offer it to Him. She ended the call by asking me to warn my father against those vices. She added something that distressed me, again. Sorry, I can not tell you what it was. If it's true, he's the son and I believe in Karma. Whatever father had done, he was still the father and old now. If it is not, God I know you hear it! Sadly, I can not do anything about it.

Am I too proud? Is it pride?

2 comments

  1. after reading this post, i really do not know what to say.
    im a bad judge, i guess.. Especially when i dont know the whole story. But when you feel that you've done nothing wrong, there's no need to worry. Say what they want to say.


    -anyways, love your blog:)

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