Little Pink Diaries + Mom's Cervical Cancer

The posts in pink diaries are the times with my mother who was battling with cancer. And I used the email of this blog for it. But then...

The posts in pink diaries are the times with my mother who was battling with cancer. And I used the email of this blog for it. But then, there is another one multiply account filled with business linkage of online sellers with another email in which I did not open anymore. I want to use only one email, so I decided to transfer it (business links in multiply) here and cancel Pink Diaries. But, I can not cancel or delete it easily because it is very special to me. Those are the times when I don't have anyone to talk to emotionally but the keyboard.. 

I have only two untitled posts with dates:

Feb 14, 2009 12:30 AM
According to a doctor, the cause of cervical cancer comes from a man who had an active sex life. Let me put it straight: a man who have an intimate moment with different women and use his wife for another play. You feel okay but the bacteria that got inside will grow unnoticed especially if you have no yearly pap smear. But mother had undergone a lot of surgeries. She has a cesarean operation when my youngest brother was born. Her left Fallopian tube, i think, and ovary was taken out.  It has a tumor that turns negative. I am thankful with that. The doctor told me, don't worry because she will live for 20 years.

My mother, i think, wasn't prepared for this illness. She can not accept it even if i told her to pray, always. She thinks that she was lured into the magical powers of dark evil - daut-kulam. She even asked and cried why "it" was done to her? What's her fault to suffer this kind of ailment. A doctor thinks, she's in Stage 4 now or terminal.

As a daughter, i cried and prayed. I can not accept this fact. My imagination flies for "IF ONLY". If only, i am rich, i'd let mother stay in the hospital longer until it's time or request for a nurse-caregiver to help us. Mother always think about us, her children and husband. She takes care of us, always. A hard working mom who suffers a lot of pain through marriage and a martyr wife.

While battling cancer, mother always cry out my name, hug me, hold and tugged my hand. Who am i to reject my mother's plea of help. My heart is not made of stone. I couldn't stop crying even f i pretend to be.

Even if she's not a perfect mom. She will always be. She's my ONE and ONLY MOM
And last night, mother is bleeding. I changed her adult diaper twice, soaking with blood.
The doctor told us (brother and I) to prepare anytime. Anytime, she'll be gone. According to her,  maybe she's in Stage 4 - Terminal

I hope if it's her time to go and leave us, i am hoping and wishing - she'll be sleeping.

Feb 14, 2009 12:16 AM 

Cancer can kill when you detect it late or you have no financial means especially the medicines.

Mother suffers from cervical cancer stage 3… The doctor told me that she can do nothing about it. She can’t give medicines further etchetera. According to her, only a Gynecology-Oncology doctor can accommodate that area of medicine. I also found out (with a gyne doctor) that after ”RASPA” (another doctor done that) the result is SQUAMOUS CARCINOMA CELL. He suggested for an operation. Operation was done. But the problem was left inside the wall. While, the uterus and ovary was taken out has no problem. Since, the new doctor can't do nothing to it. She told me whatever my mother wants to eat, drink and do.. give her everything. She also warned me that mama will become thinner and sooner or later will shout because of pain and numbness she felt.

Mama is fond of “Albularyo” - a witch doctor especially in rural areas. Psychologically, she thought that what causes her pain is a “da-ut”- done by someone using magical elements. I doubt because i knew everything - medical history. I always believe in these sayings that “Whatever you do to your brethren, it will return back to you” and “You will always reap what you sow!”

In the past months, i saw my mother even in the midst of pain, who can still walk, went to market with me, sits in front of the house and walk around the subdivisions streets. Now, she lies in bed and we kept on massaging her left leg. She said it feels numb and she can not sleep because of it. So, we massage her leg That we lost track of time and house chores. Adjustments has been made. She only stand up to eat, go to the restroom to pee and change her diaper. She doesn’t want us to change her diaper. …. Until such time, she can't do it anymore.

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